Full name is “How To Survive Being The Eldest Sister On A Camping Trip” but that is too long for a post title, I think.
You have just pulled into the campsite! First, you must open the door quickly. Second, sprint out and run to the side of the road. You have accomplished your first two tasks! Task one is to avoid being trampled by the dog, while task two is establish yourself as carsick!
It is now time to unpack. Remember, you are carsick! In the end, manage to take out: 1 part of the tent, 2 cooking supplies, 1 coat. If someone else beats you to it, complain. Do this all very slowly all while going back to the side of the road repeatedly.
The ‘men’ of the family will now set up the tent. Dad will have to go do something halfway through. When they ask you to hold the tent pole in his place, hold it. Then you may space out. Several minutes later, you may become aware of someone screaming at you. Ignore it for a few more minutes. Soon the screams will be muffled. When this happens, look around confusedly and ask why the screams stopped. You might even want to add “How Pretty” they were. Next, innocently ask your brother why he is playing hide and seek under the tent. You may want to suggest he find a better hiding spot. This should make him mad enough to thrash himself free! Although, if you do decide to help him, be certain to laugh manically the whole time.
By now, your Dad should be back. Notify him of the situation immediately. Be warned, your brother may try to convince your dad that you are guilty of a petty crime he calls “attempted murder”. This may cause your dad to get mad because he is old-fashioned. You must not tell him this as being in the wild has turned him into “werewolf man”. It would be wise to allow a younger sibling to test whether or not furriness, is directly correlated to strength.
After convincing your Dad you did not try to kill your brother, you can stroll off to ‘help’ elsewhere. Your Mom, for instance. Notice she is cooking dinner on the portable camp stove.
Ask her if she needs help! But, this is the important bit, stand really close so she will assume you’ll just get in her way! Suggest opening the many cans of cream corn and peas she has on the picnic table. Relieved, she will agree and begin to talk to you. As you do not want to hear about her life, talk about your experiences in the wild, so far. Tip: use the word “experience” a lot.
Talking about yourself is stressful. There are a lot of topics you have to stay away from, like the truth. Fortunately, can openers are great stress relievers and you have one! Simply call your sister over and start lecturing her. As soon as she’s close enough, wave it around and make little jabs at her. This also works with knives! Not only will it make you feel better, it will also to freak her out.
You and your mom are now almost finished with dinner. This means you need to get out of there fast. Maneuver so the fire and your mother are both to your left. Now, begin to lean over the stove –Make sure your hair is out of the way!!!!– and stare at the fire. Even if someone is already there, dryly state “Someone should be watching the fire.” Long ago, you have convinced your Mom how you two are the only competent members of the family. An exception possibly being the cat. She will agree, and you will have cemented yourself into the position of ‘fire watcher’.
Many options now unfold before you! You can either; listen to your ipod, stare into space, mess with the fire, insult your brother, mess with the dog… The list is only limited by your vindictive imagination! It would be wise, however, to take this time to question your tactics, are they any good? Could you make a few changes? You may ask yourself why do you have to be so evil all the time? This may cause you to spiral into a depression.
When you have extracted the necessary quota of chocolate from your family as they attempt to make you feel better. Cheer up! Throw all your energy into pretending to help! In fact, go the extra mile and give your sister some of the chocolate you scammed. Never-mind the fact it is approximately 1/10 of the chocolate she gave you earlier, she will reward you with a twix bar later and say you are the best sister ever!
Night is looming, the campsite is creepy, wolves are salivating in the woods, and your dog fell asleep. When you decide to turn in for the night, bring a rock with you. The purpose of the rock is to bash your siblings over the head with it until they stop giggling. This will require endurance on both your parts as they will turn it into a game of tag.
Now that the two demonic monstrosities have been suitably mutilated, feel free to settle into your sleeping bag. However, you might get yelled at when your parents see the carnage. It might be best to rip a hole in the tent and say a cougar did it. Always best to be on the safe side.
For those of you who may be wondering… I really am carsick!